My Rainbow Baby – A story of loss and love

To tell the story of my rainbow baby, I first must tell of my storm.

We weren’t trying, but it was a wonderful surprise. Being 4 days late was unusual for me, so I purchased a test.

I told my husband and we decided to unveil the results at our favourite spot — a moss covered bluff overlooking the pristine Thetis Lake. Together, while chatting about the dreams and possibilities, we hiked to the perfect spot and climbed up the hillside until we had a gorgeous view, and then opened the box I had slipped it into. Suddenly a flood of emotions came over each of us as we saw the little plus sign.

Overjoyed, we couldn’t keep the secret in for very long. It was almost Mother’s Day and I wanted to celebrate how I was now a mother to this little plus sign! Even if that was all the evidence of this little one thus far…

As my family gathered on Mother’s Day, I gave my mom a “grandma” card revealing the news. She squealed with delight and announced to the rest of our family there that we were pregnant.

We were only 6 weeks and very much naive. I didn’t understand why people suggested waiting to make the announcement until the second trimester. But now I do…

The Turbulent Storm

At 7 1/2 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding.

It was a few days of bed rest, ultrasounds, and blood tests before the doctor took us aside to a private waiting room and let us know that the little life inside of me had ended before it really had a chance to begin.

It was only a few shorts weeks of dreaming; And yet, a lifetime of hoping. Shattered.

The devastation of loss was playing games with my mind. I thought I was foolish to have had so much hope. Felt like I shouldn’t have been so excited.

I felt broken. Incompetent. Desolate.

Facing Grief Together

We decided to actively face the grief head on and do everything we could to heal from this trauma. We sought counselling and found a support group where some amazing mamas shared their experiences of multiple miscarriages and the trauma of stillbirth.

Grief was exhausting and terrible. But there was something beautiful about these women coming together in support of each other. Finding a place to connect, even in the worst of circumstances.

One night, I went out with my best friend. I was hoping to put my mind on something else, but after an evening out without much success, we sat in her car and I just grieved. I let it all out. She allowed me the space to rant. Vent. Get it all out there. I bawled my eyes out as I asked rhetorical questions about life and death. She knew there was nothing to say to make it better, nothing that could soothe or dismiss the pain, except to truly just sit with the broken and listen to the cries of a childless mother.

Jesus was One who sat with the broken. And in the midst of my grief, I could feel the nearness of the Father God, bringing me a sense of peace and comfort.

Baby Taylor

We didn’t know the gender of our baby, but we gave it a name.

It was my mother’s maiden name, and appropriate for a girl or a boy.

As I processed through my grief, I wrote a letter to my baby, Taylor. As I wrote, I pictured this child in my mind. I saw a picture of a beautiful young girl with light brown pigtails, skipping around, laughing and playing up in Heaven. Grief always seems to leave a million unanswered questions. So I’m grateful for this glimpse of who I believe is waiting for me in Heaven.

A Second Chance at Hope

Fast forward to 1 year later… and I find myself late again. This time around, I felt so nervous to get my hopes up, terrified of the same fate.

We couldn’t help but tell just a few of our close friends and family. When we experienced our previous loss we greatly appreciated and needed the support, so it was a no-brainer to tell a few confidantes. We weren’t as joyful with our announcements, though… it was more of a tentative cry for help in the hoping. The prayers of our loved ones were so appreciated during those first few weeks.

The first trimester was nerve wracking. As the weeks went by, I grew more and more anxious.

My husband and I prayed often for this rainbow baby. If you don’t know, a “rainbow baby” is what they call a baby born after pregnancy loss. It’s the beauty after the storm. This was my rainbow baby and I wasn’t going to give up without a fight.

At week 13, I celebrated that the chance of miscarriage decreases greatly. Each week that went by gave me a bit more relief from my fears and at week 24, I felt a little more at ease as my baby reached the point of viability outside the womb.

At week 38, I was showing signs of preeclampsia and had to be induced. Everything seemed to be fine with the baby, though, so I was hopeful and anxious to meet my precious child.

My Rainbow Baby

Our hospital room was fairly new and beautiful. I was so blessed to be in a private room with a large window right in front of my bed.

But the biggest blessing I received during labour was when I looked out the window and, through the opaque curtains, I caught a glimpse of the brightest rainbow I had ever seen stretching right across the sky.

I asked my husband to open the curtains and I was amazed at the beautiful sign that God gave us. It was as if He painted this symbol on the sky for me. He was letting me know that our baby would be just fine.

The moment that our baby was delivered, my husband and I both saw that it was a boy!!! What a wonderful surprise! The doctor placed my baby boy up on my chest and I was just in awe of the miracle of life.

What joy! What hope! Absolutely breathtaking! There are no words, as I’m sure those who have given birth know what that moment is like.

But those who know the sting of loss may be slightly more aware of the miracle a rainbow baby carries. How precious life is. How fragile and delicate. But this child of mine resting on my chest was truly here. What once was simply hesitant hopes and dreams finally became a reality.

Jealous of the Angels

Nothing can replace the loss of a child. I still think of Taylor often, when my kids reach new milestones, or when I remember all my loved ones in Heaven waiting for me. I find myself jealous of the angels. I’m jealous of my mom, getting to meet Taylor and hold her close, and I’m jealous of my baby Taylor, resting in her grandmothers arms.

But here on this side of eternity, I’m so grateful for my rainbow baby boy and all the joy he has brought into our lives. And I’m so grateful for the rainbow in the sky that proved to me the love and grace of a good God who carried us through the storm, sat with us in our brokenness, and delighted with us in our new little blessing.